


All the Years in Between

by spyblue31



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Canon Compliant, Future Fic, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-23 05:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30050895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spyblue31/pseuds/spyblue31
Summary: It's 2026 and contract renewals for NCT Dream are due. Jaemin is displeased with Donghyuck's delay, and even more unimpressed with his reasons why.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 25
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Nahyuck canon dynamics are one of my favourite topics ever.
> 
> Initial k-pop artist contracts are maximum 7 years in length. In this story, NCT Dream have renewed their contract in 2023 for a subsequent 3 year term, which is why the contracts are due to be renewed in 2026.

When Jaemin first hears the news, something burns in his chest. He scarcely hears what else Jeno is saying, the image of Jisung’s downturned expression confirming the worst to him.

After dinner, Jaemin returns to his bedroom, but he can’t focus on the script he’s supposed to be memorising. Instead, he hears Jeno’s neutral voice—the _leader_ voice he adopted when he was forced to take on a mantle he didn’t want, when he turned his feelings off to be what he had to be—repeating the news over and over again.

Somehow, Jaemin finds himself outside the 127 dorm. Well, to call it the 127 dorm is a misnomer, considering only Taeil, Mark and Donghyuck lived there, the rest on military service or had moved out.

He has to sift through months-old texts with Mark before he can confirm he has the right address, having never visited this dorm since they moved in a year ago. Jaemin doesn’t even have the passcode to the door, but Mark is in the US and he doesn’t have the other two occupant’s numbers, so he relies on his wits, trying various combos until the lock beeps, granting him entry.

The combo only serves to infuriate him, and then he sees the state of the dorm.

“Yah, Lee Haechan! Where are you?”

He hears a loud clattering noise from one of the rooms, and Jaemin storms towards it, not bothering to take off his shoes.

“Yah, Lee Donghyuck! Come out now!”

The man Jaemin was looking for opens the door, looking utterly confused and very disbelieving, like he’s unsure if he’s hallucinating. “Jaemin? What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean _what am I doing here_?” he parrots, pitching his voice up to emulate Donghyuck. “You know exactly why! When were you going to tell us that you weren’t renewing your contract?”

Donghyuck stills, his hands tensing on a picture frame he’s holding, having evidently been in the middle of packing, the entire room filled with boxes. “Who told you?” he asks evenly.

“Jeno,” Jaemin grits out. “I asked him why there was a delay in the final review of the Dream contract, and then he told me that _someone_ had an issue with it. I figured out the rest.”

Donghyuck’s lips twist mulishly, “Why’d you think it was me? Could have been Mark hyung.”

Jaemin barks out a mirthless laugh, “Who else could it have been? Mark hyung knows _loyalty_.”

 _Unlike you_ might have been omitted, but it was heard loud and clear.

“Shut up,” Donghyuck snaps, moving out of the bedroom door for the living room, roughly opening the flaps of a brown box. “You don’t know shit about me.”

“Oh, I know plenty of shit about you,” Jaemin says, dogging Donghyuck’s heels, refusing to let him get away. “You’re throwing a hissy fight because you’re not SM’s favourite anymore. You’re pissed because you didn’t get the solo while the hyungs were in the military, while Mark is gallivanting across the US.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Donghyuck hisses, turning around. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I?” Jaemin laughs. “Everyone knows about your jealousy towards Mark hyung. But you know you’ll never compare to his talent, so you’re petty as fuck and dragging your feet. I’ll admit, it’s smart to hold out on SM to force them to give you a solo, but it won’t work because you’re replaceable and they _will_ cut you out.”

Donghyuck scoffs, the anger burning bright in his eyes. “God Jaemin, how far up your ass are you? You really misunderstand _everything_. I don’t care about the solo— _I want to leave_.”

Jaemin stops.

Suddenly, Jeno’s forced indifference, Jisung’s despair and why Renjun and Chenle had both flown in from China without warning two weeks ago makes sense.

_Donghyuck is leaving._

“You selfish bastard,” Jaemin whispers, utterly betrayed. “You selfish piece of shit.”

Donghyuck’s hands clench onto the picture frame, but he doesn’t talk back.

“Fuck you,” Jaemin snarls, the anger consuming him. “You fucking bastard, do you—you think you’re so great, don’t you? You think you can make it out there by yourself without SM? You think you’re so much better than Dream, huh? Does Dream meaning nothing to you?”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Donghyuck retorts defensively, flipping the picture frame in his hands around to show a picture of Dream at their first concert. “Dream means everything to me.”

“You have a funny way of showing it, then!” Jaemin snaps back, taking a step closer to him. “You put Dream’s debut date as the fucking passcode, hang pictures of us in your room, but you want to fucking leave when the rest of us are renewing? Tell me how you care about Dream!”

“You talk so much about Dream, but when’s the last time we had a comeback, the seven of us?” Donghyuck demands, slamming the picture into the box roughly. “Two years ago, that’s when! Since then, Mark hyung has been charming the States, Renjun and Chenle being Chinese darlings, Jisung busy as a soloist and touring in Japan, and you and Jeno gracing primetime television! Tell me, where does NCT Dream fit in this? We’re not gum chewing teenagers anymore; it’s been ten years since we’ve debuted and we’re twenty-seven years old.”

“Ah ha!” Jaemin jabs a finger into Donghyuck’s chest. “So you admit that you only care about NCT Dream when we have activities! Did you only see us as your co-workers?”

“For fuck’s sake, stop twisting my words!” Donghyuck bats Jaemin’s hands away, glowering at him. “Let’s be fucking honest, NCT Dream is dead. But just because the group is basically defunct doesn’t mean I don’t care or love the members.”

“You _love_ us?” Jaemin repeats incredulously. “Yeah sure, tell yourself that. Do you know how stressed and overwhelmed Jeno is? I overheard Jisung _crying_ tonight, full on sobbing like it was 2019 and we were going to graduate and leave him! He’s crying not because SM is disbanding the group, but because _you’re_ killing us out of your selfishness. You _betrayed_ us.”

Guilt plays across Donghyuck’s face, but one look at all the moving boxes in the living room brings the anger back. Donghyuck hid this from him for _months_.

“Don’t pull the _I love my members_ card when you’re hurting them! How do you think it’s going to affect them? Why can’t you think of the group instead of yourself for once!”

“Is that what you would have me do?” Donghyuck shoots back. “Stay in the basement forever and pretend I’m happy when I have no schedules? How can this be a fucking team if I have to sacrifice myself just to make someone happy? You don’t know the extent to which I’ve given to Dream!”

“The team always comes before the individual! You owe it to them!” Jaemin snaps back. “Anyways, it’s not like you’re being mistreated or you’re lacking in money, why is it so hard to stay in SM?”

“Sorry I can’t be you, Saint Jaemin, patron saint of slavish altruism,” Donghyuck rolls his eyes sarcastically. “Sorry I can't prostrate myself just to make their lives a bit more convenient!”

Jaemin is so tempted to punch Donghyuck in the mouth.

“You’ve already broken Jeno, Jisung, Renjun _and_ Mark hyung’s heart once, now you’re going to break it permanently? Was it not enough to use and discard them like your playthings?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Donghyuck runs his hand through his hair, exasperated. “That was _years ago_. Will you fucking let it go? I didn’t even date Mark hyung and I only slept with Jisung once when he _asked_!”

“It’s still one time too many!” Jaemin explodes, grabbing Donghyuck by the shoulders. “He was too young to be jerked around by the likes of you! Our members aren’t Pokémon for you to collect, Donghyuck!”

“And now I won’t ever fucking touch your beloved Jisung, I’ll stay the fuck away, happy?!” Donghyuck spits back at him, gripping Jaemin’s forearms.

Jaemin’s pulse thunders and he’s about to slap him, but Donghyuck seems to realise that he’s pushed too far and slumps against the wall, regarding Jaemin with tired eyes.

“Donghyuck,” he sighs, his lips curling into a parody of a smile.

“What?” Jaemin grunts, narrowing his eyes.

“You only call me Donghyuck when I’m a disappointment,” Donghyuck says quietly, looking at a far point over Jaemin’s shoulder, and Jaemin doesn’t know what to say in response.

“Why did you come?”

“I told you already,” Jaemin replies, wary.

“Because I’m a selfish bastard who’s letting everyone down? Because I’m hurting Jeno and Jisung?” Donghyuck quotes tonelessly.

“Yah, are you making fun of me?” Jaemin scowls. “This is serious!”

It takes Jaemin a split-second to realise he’s said that phrase, and he glances at Donghyuck, already expecting him to start mocking him, parroting ‘this is serious’ with a stupid accent, but Donghyuck’s face is unreadable, all his walls shuttered.

It’s a bit disconcerting because Donghyuck’s face is always alive with emotion, though it might not be honestly held. Jaemin’s never seen Donghyuck so blank.

“It’s always them, isn’t it?” Donghyuck speaks suddenly. “You’ll always choose someone above me.”

“Huh?” Jaemin replies, bemused. “What are you talking about?”

“Jisung, Jeno, Renjun, Chenle, and even Mark,” Donghyuck names, his eyes filled with some sort of emotion that he can’t decipher, and Jaemin looks away. “You always put them above me.”

“Well, they’re not the ones who aren’t renewing their contract, so.”

“No, that’s not what I mean and you know it,” Donghyuck insists, his voice stronger. “You treat me differently. You don’t care much for me—you know it, I know it, the members know it, the fans know it. Even now, _you’re_ not angry that _I’m_ leaving, you’re angry about the _effect_ of my departure, how it’ll hurt the rest of Dream.”

Jaemin folds his arms defensively, “You’re talking shit. I am angry that you’re leaving.”

“Why?”

“Because it’ll—”

Jaemin has to swallow down his first response. Donghyuck looks at him knowingly, and Jaemin looks down, clenching his jaw, “I don’t hate you.”

“I know you don’t,” Donghyuck says gently.

“I do want you to stay in the group, you know.”

“Because I’m the mood-maker, the clown, the MC, the punching bag to make videos more interesting. Because Jeno and Jisung want me to stay in the group. Because the fans would be upset if I left,” Donghyuck states plainly. “Because you’d _tolerate_ me just to make other people happy.”

Jaemin blinks, his lips parting but no words coming out.

“I know the extent of value that I hold in your eyes,” Donghyuck says, his voice without infliction. “Initially, I thought it was nice being the odd one out, being the one you snapped at and seeing your reactions. But we’re not sixteen anymore. And I’m tired of always being on the receiving end of your disdain. You’ll care for the rest of Dream but me. If you’re asking because of them, please don’t bother. You’ve raised my hopes too many times already and I can’t do this any longer, Jaemin-ah.”

“Do what?” Jaemin asks with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Donghyuck looks at him for a very long time, his eyes moving from Jaemin’s hair to his eyes to his nose and then his mouth, and his gaze stays there as Jaemin licks his lips nervously.

“Do you really not know?” Donghyuck asks in a small voice, his arms curled around his chest, slouching in a way that makes him seem even smaller.

“Know what?” Jaemin asks, even though trepidation fills his heart.

“You really don’t know?” Donghyuck’s eyes flit over his face almost desperately, like he’s trying to find something to disprove whatever notion he’s gotten into his head, but Jaemin is genuinely baffled. “You really don’t know. You really… don’t know.” He ends, sounding crushed.

“Yes, I don’t know, so why don’t you illuminate me?”

Donghyuck flinches minutely, staring down the floor, then he starts blinking rapidly, and this—Jaemin does know.

“Wait, why are you crying?” Jaemin asks, panicked. “Stop crying!”

Donghyuck is a cry-baby, so in tune with his well of emotions that he can cry on demand. Jaemin had seen him cry too many times at movies, dramas, concerts, etc. but he has never seen Donghyuck cry because of a person.

 _Never because of Jaemin_.

“It’s not the first time and probably won’t be the last time you’ve made me cry,” Donghyuck laughs, watery, swiping at his eyes. “You don’t know how much you hurt me, do you?”

“What?” Jaemin murmurs, guilt creeping up his spine like an errant vine.

This time, when their eyes meet, Jaemin recognises the unfiltered hurt in Donghyuck’s soft brown eyes.

“I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore because I’m leaving, and everyone already knows, so I might as well just say it,” Donghyuck exhales, sounding absolutely miserable.

“The truth is that I’ve loved you for a very, very long time.”

Jaemin stops short, staring at Donghyuck in shock. _What did he say_?

“Even though you’ve never loved or cared for me, I did. I would see how caring and sweet and nice you were to everyone else, and I would dream that one day you’d treat me with the same affection. And sometimes, you did, and those fleeting moments have kept my heart yours all these years. But I realised that…”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, “I realised that nothing is going to come out of it, and I can’t keep living like this, thinking that your disdain _means something_ more than what it is. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, and I… I can’t do it anymore.”

 _Donghyuck loves him_ , the words reverberate in Jaemin’s head, but all he hears is noise because he doesn’t comprehend it at all. It’s _absurd_. How could Donghyuck love him?

Maybe if it was a decade ago, back in 2016 when they were still guileless trainees, then Jaemin would have believed it. Maybe when he found Donghyuck waiting for him with Jaemin’s favourite peach drink after he had been scolded by his manager for trading fists with Donghyuck. Maybe when he felt how clammy Donghyuck’s palm was when he tentatively held Jaemin’s hand and led him to the stairwell to apologise. Maybe when Donghyuck had kissed him with trembling lips and traced Jaemin’s lips reverently with his fingertips.

But this is a decade later, and the man in front of him is utterly irreconcilable to the inexperienced boy who took Jaemin’s first kiss. This is the Donghyuck who dated his best friend while Jaemin was on hiatus, had the audacity to sleep with _Jisung_ when he became legal, and had never professed any interest in Jaemin all these years bar annoying him and teasing him on camera.

Well… except that night in Bangkok in November 2019, when Jaemin and Donghyuck shared a hotel room.

It was why he was so vehement against Jisung sleeping with Donghyuck—did he have to take everyone’s first times? Jaemin didn’t know whether he felt relieved or bitter that Jisung actually _enjoyed_ the experience.

Thinking about Jisung (and Jeno and Renjun) being with Donghyuck makes his mood sour, because not only did Donghyuck take that, he doesn’t even have the good grace of staying in the group which made it possible, and now he’s coming up with some farcical reason to justify his departure.

“What the fuck?” Jaemin says crossly, feeling his face heat up from indignation. “So it’s _my fault_ now that you’re leaving? You’re saying I’m the reason you won’t renew? How fucking dare you?”

“It’s not just that, it was a combination of things,” Donghyuck looks tense. “I shouldn’t have told you.”

“Then why did you?” Jaemin demands harshly, glaring at him while Donghyuck shrinks back.

Everyone knew, Donghyuck said, and the rest of Dream knew about Donghyuck’s decision not to renew. Agitation pools in Jaemin as he wonders whether the rest have come to the conclusion that Donghyuck didn’t renew because of Jaemin. Jisung was so upset and Jeno was so glum, Renjun and Chenle had travelled so far just to speak to Donghyuck… are they all disappointed in Jaemin?

Donghyuck exhales loudly, and Jaemin watches him warily as he chews on his awfully bitten fingernails. Jaemin thought Donghyuck had kicked the habit, but evidently not.

“You want to know the truth?” Donghyuck suddenly stands up straight, bringing him nose to nose with Jaemin. “You’re right—I am a fucking piece of shit, I am a selfish bastard.” He grins widely, manically bright. “You’re exactly right in your assessment of me. I wasn’t going to tell you because I didn’t want to burden you with my feelings. I didn’t want you to feel guilty that you didn’t return my feelings when I was in love with you for half my fucking life. But I don’t care anymore! Fuck it!”

Jaemin inhales sharply, taking a step back.

“Fuck _you_ for making me feel like this. Do you _think_ I want to be in love with you? Do you think I want to love a man who plays with me on camera and then gives me the cold shoulder on the car ride back? Do you think I want to love _you_ when you would so rather wish I didn’t?”

Donghyuck’s voice breaks in the end, the tears returning to his eyes. His chest heaves with emotion, like he’s unloading years of suppressed sentiment, and his face is splotchy with red.

“I never said anything because the timing was wrong, but it’s never going to be right,” Donghyuck admits, all his righteous anger gone, his voice a whisper. “I waited years and years because… well, it sounds pathetic but I was saving it for the right time—for a grand romantic confession. But the right time will never happen because you don’t…” he takes a deep breath, like he’s steeling himself, “you don’t love me.”

Jaemin’s chest feels tight, like something has captured him in a chokehold and won’t release him.

Donghyuck blinks several times, his eyes glassy with tears, “I really didn’t mean to burden you with my feelings. I really didn’t mean anything to come out of it. If you told me right now you returned my feelings, I wouldn’t believe it. I’d just think you deserve your Grand Bell Award and how much you love the Dreamies to put up that façade.” At the end of it, Donghyuck doesn’t even manage to smile to make it seem like a joke.

“I just…” Donghyuck shrugs slightly, his voice choked up. “I wanted you to know. No matter what, I really did truly, deeply and sincerely love you.”

“Haechan,” Jaemin tries, but the name feels wrong. “Donghyuck-ah…”

Jaemin tries to touch Donghyuck, to lend him some comfort, because Jaemin feels like his heart is breaking. But Donghyuck takes a step back and Jaemin’s hand grazes his sleeve, and Donghyuck shakes his head.

“Please, don’t.”

Before Jaemin can even react, Donghyuck is hurrying into his room, and Jaemin is suddenly seized with fear. He goes after Donghyuck, shouting, “Wait!”

Donghyuck freezes, his back to Jaemin’s face, his left hand on the door. Jaemin feels like he’s been punched when he sees the Dream friendship ring adorning Donghyuck’s finger even after all these years.

Has Jaemin really got it all wrong?

Donghyuck turns arounds. For one moment, all his walls are down, every emotion laid bare in his eyes, and Jaemin sees _everything._

“Jaemin-ah, I’m sorry.”

The door closes gently in Jaemin’s face.

A week later, as the news circulate the image of a defiant, golden-haired Haechan leaving SM Entertainment, a withdrawn and buzzcut Lee Donghyuck enlists for military service without fanfare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed it, please leave me a comment and kudos, I would appreciate it a lot!
> 
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/spyblue31)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look common.”
> 
> One hundred and eleven days since Jaemin has last seen Donghyuck, and this is the first thing he says.
> 
> Donghyuck stares at him, nonplussed, and then deliberately turns his back to him. “I forgot just how charming you are,” he says blandly. “So very nice to see you again, Jaemin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I wasn't originally intending to write a sequel nor post so quickly, but I have to thank two sources for enabling me to do so.
> 
> Firstly, the person who subscribed to this fic, thank you for your faith that I would update what was supposed to be a complete work.
> 
> Secondly, the anons who sent a series of less than polite comments, which I've since deleted. Thank you for motivating me to write more, I wouldn't have done this without you.
> 
> Wishing you the most lovely day, enjoy! x

“You look common.”

One hundred and eleven days since Jaemin has last seen Donghyuck, and this is the first thing he says.

Donghyuck stares at him, nonplussed, and then deliberately turns his back to him. “I forgot just how charming you are,” he says blandly. “So very nice to see you again, Jaemin.”

“I…” Jaemin toes off his shoes, dropping his bag by the living room sofa. “That’s… not what I meant to say.”

“Then what is it that you meant to say?” Donghyuck asks dryly, still facing the kitchen counter. “Hello Haechan, you look lovely. All the mud and sunshine has done your complexion wonders.”

Jaemin winces, absorbing the almost unfathomable sight of Donghyuck standing in the Dream dorm— _in Jaemin’s own home_ —in a camo ROK t-shirt and ratty pink boxer shorts. “It’s good to see you well.”

“That’s debatable,” Donghyuck huffs, his arm stabbing into something on the counter in a rather violent motion. “I haven’t keeled over yet, so I suppose that must count as something.”

“Haechan-ah!” Jaemin frowns, walking over to see what he’s up to. “Don’t say that!”

“Why not, you—let go!”

Jaemin releases Donghyuck’s arm—his forearm more solid than he remembered it ever being—but presses his hands against the kitchen counter, trapping Donghyuck so he has no choice but look at Jaemin.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, his nose flaring, and stares obstinately over Jaemin’s shoulder. Still, he holds still and doesn’t fidget, experienced from a decade of idol scrutiny and three months of military inspection.

His hair is shockingly short—Donghyuck had favoured longer hairstyles for the past few years, so it’s a shock to see it trimmed to the scalp. He’s always struggled with his skin, so the grit of the military along with the lack of dermatologist appointments has shown. He’s also sporting something like a moustache, though judging from the uneven stubble, this is a recent development born of laziness.

“Disgustingly common, right?” Donghyuck throws his words back at Jaemin, folding his arms against his chest. Jaemin watches his biceps strain against the ugly camo shirt.

Jaemin tries to explain. “I meant that you look like a regular person, not an idol.”

“Not like _you_ , you mean?” Donghyuck replies, unimpressed. “Flower boy Jaemin, so disgustingly pretty that even an American GI who doesn’t know idols would pick you out in a line-up.”

“Don’t go fishing for compliments, it’s unbecoming. All I meant is that you look different from the last time I saw you,” Jaemin snaps, fed up with Donghyuck’s attitude. “You look like a solider who’s serving our country to the best of your ability.”

Donghyuck exhales, leaning back against the kitchen counter, his posture returning to its usual atrocious state. “Save me the glib pleasantries.”

Jaemin purses his lips, wondering what to say when he notices what’s on the counter.

“Hey!” he exclaims. “That’s _my_ ice-cream!”

Donghyuck glances down, like he had forgotten about it, and he takes the pint of ice-cream in hand and defiantly takes a big bite of it. “Is it?” he asks drolly. “I haven’t noticed.”

Jaemin’s eye twitches. _Petty little shit_ , Donghyuck knew very well that it was Jaemin’s favourite flavour. Eating his ice-cream while Jaemin was gone… Donghyuck hadn’t changed.

“You don’t even like _My Mom is an Alien_ ,” Jaemin retorts, grabbing Donghyuck’s hand and eating a spoonful of the chocolate ice-cream.

“You learn not to be picky in the military,” Donghyuck shoots back, shoving the spoon into Jaemin’s hands and then reaching into the cutlery drawer for a new spoon. “As long as it’s not mint chocolate, I’m fine with it.”

Jaemin gazes at Donghyuck’s face for another moment. He’s lost most of his baby fat throughout the years, but even the last roundness of Donghyuck’s cheeks is gone. He holds himself differently, and his eyes… there’s nothing left of the boy Jaemin had known, half his life ago. Fourteen years passed by in a blink of the eye.

He eventually settles on a safer topic. “They’re not feeding you enough.”

“It’s the fucking military, not a day spa.” Donghyuck digs into the ice-cream indifferently. “Besides, there’s the PX if I feel nostalgic about all the convenience store meals we had.”

Jaemin laughs, recalling those days all too well. “I’ll never forget those rookie meals of ramen and sausage from the convenience stores, or Kimbap Heaven if the managers were feeling nice.” He points at Donghyuck, “But somehow you always managed to wheedle them into getting you tonkatsu.”

Donghyuck grins, his brown eyes crinkling, “That’s a secret I won’t tell.”

Jaemin grins back and Donghyuck’s smile fades, and then he looks down. “Ah, you haven’t forgotten. Your smile is your weapon.” He goes to place the ice-cream back, and then throws his used spoon into the sink.

Jaemin vaguely registers the advice they were often given as trainees. Suddenly, he feels a bit chilly and doesn’t much feel like ice-cream anymore. He looks down at the sticky teaspoon in his hands, and then follows suit.

“Why are you here, Jaemin?” Donghyuck asks evenly, the length of the kitchen between them.

“What do you mean why am I here?” Jaemin flexes his fingers, feeling the tacky feeling between his digits. “I live here. This is the _Dream_ dorm. The question is why are _you_ here?”

“Obviously, I can’t go to the 127 dorm. I would have stayed at Chenle’s flat, but he’s undergoing renovations. Jeno offered—Jisung was touring in Japan, he was filming in Buyeo County, and he said you were with your family.” Donghyuck brings his shoulders together, “I wouldn’t have intruded if I knew you were back so soon.”

Jaemin didn’t need Donghyuck to say that to know he wouldn’t have come if Jaemin was over, but it still stings.

The events of three months ago still play all too clearly in Jaemin’s head, the fallout all too visible. Jaemin had suppressed it all, tried to move on with his life, but he couldn’t forget the deafening silence after Donghyuck had shut the door quietly in his face. Jaemin had stood there for who knows how long, his nose against the hard wood, wanting to do something but knowing what, and then Taeil had returned home and asked Jaemin—not unkindly, but firmly—that it would be best if he had left.

He knew that it was Donghyuck who had asked him to leave.

“What I meant is—why didn’t you go home to Jeju?”

Donghyuck presses a hand to the hole in the hem of his boxers, avoiding eye contact with Jaemin. “My holiday’s too short to take the plane back to Jeju.”

That’s a bald-faced lie and they both know it. Donghyuck, in the height of 2019 schedules, had once flown from LA back to Seoul for a music broadcast and then went to Tokyo at night for an event. A two-nights break was more than enough time for him to fly an hour back to Jeju if he wanted to.

“Oh really?” Jaemin asks sceptically.

Donghyuck parries it back to him, “Why’d you come back to the dorm early? Even if you never participate in the group chat, you must have seen us discussing it.”

“I don’t have your number saved.”

Donghyuck’s face falls, and Jaemin adds hurriedly, “What? You always change your number!”

“I haven’t changed it in two years,” Donghyuck scoffs incredulously. “Fine, it doesn’t matter. But we were talking on the group chat. There’s only seven of us there—you must have known.”

Jaemin shrugs, neither confirming nor denying.

The truth is that Jaemin had seen it, but at that time, he had been so angry at Jeno for opening up _their dorm_ —the Dream dorm that Donghyuck had never lived in and would never live in—to Donghyuck without even asking Jaemin. It was like Jeno had forgotten how much Donghyuck had hurt _him_. Like they hadn’t been summoned into the conference room, the six of them including Mark—who had literally landed in Seoul an hour ago, his hair askew from sleeping on the plane—standing out in their colourful hoodies, Adidas sweats and running shoes amongst a sea of black somber suits.

Jaemin, soon to be twenty-eight, never felt more like a child as the lawyer opposite him explained in a detached manner that NCT Dream was to be a six-member group, that _Haechan, defined as Lee Donghyuck from clause 2(d) in the terminology, had not renewed his contract_.

Fuck him.

As if Jaemin didn’t know who Haechan was, as if Jaemin didn’t spent _half his fucking life_ across from the bastard’s smug face, listening to him sing at all hours of the day, like his voice was God’s gift to mankind.

As if Jaemin needed some lawyer he had seen maybe five times to tell him that Haechan hadn’t renewed his contract, not when all the media outlets had broken the news that morning with grainy pictures of Donghyuck’s enlistment.

As if the night before he hadn’t hugged Jisung—who was taller and broader but still clung to Jaemin like he was fourteen and only reached his chin—and felt the wetness on his chest as he wept into cotton.

As if Jeno’s full lower lip hadn’t wobbled from across the table as the lawyer told them about the situation and he had stared up at the ceiling lights even though he wasn’t supposed to do that because of his Lasik surgery.

As if that night, the six of them hadn’t gathered at their dorm, drinking too many bottles of soju and beer and cried their eyes out as they watched a full compilation of their music videos, from their debut with Chewing Gum to their last unwitting disbandment song.

As if Jaemin didn’t close his eyes each night and wonder if he was the reason why Donghyuck couldn’t be Haechan anymore, if there was anything that night he could have done— _should have done_ —to make him change his mind and _stay_.

 _Fuck him_.

Jaemin had been so furious he had muted their chat and ignored Jeno for the next few days, but all it took was a phone call from Jisung, asking ‘ _It’s okay if Donghyuck hyung stays over, right? He doesn’t have anywhere else to go’_ and Jaemin had begrudgingly relented. Till date, he still couldn’t refuse Jisung anything.

“Well, I know you don’t really want to see me,” Donghyuck says, his eyes flickering over Jaemin’s guardedly. “I’ll just… head over to my room then.”

Abruptly, he realises that Donghyuck means _Jeno’s_ room.

“You’re sleeping in Jeno’s room?” he calls out before he can even think.

“Yes.” Donghyuck turns around, the hallway too dark for Jaemin to make out his expression. “You’re so protective of Jisung, I thought you would have a conniption if I slept in his.”

Donghyuck and Jeno have a strange relationship. They were each other’s firsts, getting together when Jaemin was on hiatus, breaking up some time after _GO_ promotions for some reason. But Jaemin always suspected that Jeno held a flame for Donghyuck—the amount of times he saw Jeno making moon eyes, trying to hold his hand and generally behaving like a puppy reunited with their master were too many to count. Over the years, when they were both single, they would casually date—something Jaemin regretfully learnt visually.

Jaemin tries not to think about Donghyuck’s lean legs wrapped around Jeno’s trim waist as they made out. He pushes down the sour feeling in his chest, telling himself that he’s just being protective over his best friend who had the misfortune of being in love with Donghyuck.

“So you’re dating Jeno again?”

Donghyuck stiffens. “No.”

“But you’re sleeping in his room?” Jaemin presses.

“I couldn’t very well sleep in _yours_ , could I?”

“Why not?” Jaemin shoots back. “You already ate my ice-cream, what’s something more?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, sleeping on your bed is on a whole other level than eating some ice-cream!” Donghyuck stalks over, throwing his hands up. “Besides, you’re the one who hates other people sleeping in your bed. I thought you’d be glad not to get my _commonness_ over your sheets.”

Donghyuck is visibly angry, red flushing his cheeks and his eyes flashing, and Jaemin can finally find his footing in this entire mess. For the first time since that awful day three months ago, Jaemin can breathe easy. He knows Donghyuck’s anger like the back of his hand, a tango that he’s danced half his life. He’d take this over Donghyuck’s stilted politeness, a landmine of hidden traps and unknown meaning.

Jaemin smiles, “If you ask politely, maybe I will let you sleep with me, Haechan-ah.”

“Fuck off,” Donghyuck seethes, his hands clenched into fists. “How could you say that to me?”

“Now, now,” Jaemin tuts, “that’s not very nice, now is it? I thought you’d be happier to see me.”

“Fuck you!”

“You did,” Jaemin drawls, “and it was distinctly mediocre.”

Donghyuck’s face goes scarlet. “That was a low blow.”

There’s something about Donghyuck which makes it so easy for Jaemin to say all the things he’s never allowed to as the Nation’s Boyfriend. All the unpleasant, nasty things he’s had to suppress to be _darling Nana,_ they all come bubbling back up for Donghyuck, who he doesn’t have to please, who can give as good as it gets.

The rush surges through him, filling his veins and making Jaemin finally feel in control of the situation.

“You claim to be in love with me,” Jaemin starts, “but I’ve been thinking, and I don’t believe it.”

Donghyuck’s jaw drops. He sputters, looking around like he wants someone to save him. “You’re really going to stand there and argue with _me_ about my own feelings?”

“Your behaviour doesn’t indicate any of the sort!” Jaemin starts counting on his fingers, “If you were in love with me, then one, you’d be happy to see me, two, you’d want to sleep in my bed, three, you’d want to stay in the group, and last but certainly not least, you wouldn’t have slept with half the group!” He holds out his fingers, “How could you be in love with me but date and sleep with a whole string of boys? It’s ridiculous! If you were really in love with me, you would want to _be_ with me, so you would have stayed single!”

“You’re really going to go there?” Donghyuck asks in disbelief, and then he throws his hands up. “Fine!”

Anger lights up Donghyuck’s face like the strike of lightning on a muggy summer night. It’s glorious in its intensity, the way his eyes sear with brightness, how he stands with his full height and how his full, undivided attention is pinned onto Jaemin. This is the Donghyuck that Jaemin knows, not a wilting flower, but the sun.

“Do you remember 2019? I thought you were interested, but after Bangkok, you avoided me. I tried to give you space, but weeks later, when I finally talked to you, you said that the sex was mediocre, it was a waste of your time, and I should really improve myself. I interpreted it the only way anyone could, which is that you weren’t interested in me, so I tried to move on. Renjun asked me out during Ridin’ promotions and I said yes.”

“So you used him as a rebound?” Jaemin accuses, the old wound he thought healed rupturing again. Just thinking about it fills him with betrayal—Jaemin had been replaced so quickly after he had given him his first, like all of it meant nothing, and he had to watch Renjun and Donghyuck flirt with each other in front of his face.

“Renjun wasn’t a rebound! I did love and care for him!” Donghyuck snaps back. “Besides, if someone came along and offered me love and affection, why shouldn’t I accept it, especially if you weren’t interested?”

“If you loved me, you would have the decency not to sleep with my best friends!”

“Newsflash! They’re _my_ best friends too!” Donghyuck shouts, his eyes ablaze. “Jeno isn’t yours! Jisung isn’t yours! Renjun isn’t yours! You don’t own them! They’re capable of their own thoughts and decisions!”

“You broke their fucking hearts!” Jaemin explodes. “You loved them and dumped them, and I had to fix your fucking mess! They go to you for a good time and they come back to me broken! How can they be yours when you’ve never loved and nurtured and taken care of them like I have?”

“What would you have me do then? Just because I love you, I’m supposed to stay single and celibate and miserable the entire time, slavishly faithful to you even though we weren’t in a fucking relationship?”

“You should have _waited_!”

“I did my waiting—fourteen years of it!” Donghyuck stalks up to him. “I waited for you.”

“Waited how?” Jaemin spits back, their faces within punching distance. “Wait, like you waited not even three months after my hiatus to date Jeno? Every time I wasn’t available, you replaced me!”

“How could I replace you when I never even had you to begin with?” Donghyuck demands, his chest heaving with breath. “And why do you even care if you’re not interested?”

“Because I know you never loved me! You’re just telling yourself these excuses to justify why you left the group! You don’t even really like me, you just liked me because I was a challenge who denied you!”

Donghyuck shoves him away, glaring furiously, “You don’t get to discredit my own feelings! You don’t get to tell me how I feel just because it inconveniences you! You hate knowing that I love you because it makes you feel guilty for the way you treated me, and you hate feeling like that over me.”

Jaemin’s retort dies at his lips, because Donghyuck’s not entirely wrong. He doesn’t like thinking that Donghyuck has been suffering all these years because of him.

“God, why do I try? At the end of the day, you only care about your favourites,” Donghyuck drags a hand over his face, looking exhausted beyond belief.

“You’re wrong, I—” _do care about you_.

“Look,” Donghyuck sighs, his voice flat, his face devoid of that brilliant emotion. “I don’t want to fight. We’re too old to rehash the same arguments because we have nothing to say to each other. I’m sorry for loving you, okay? I’m sorry that I involved the Dreamies. I’m sorry that I came here. This was all a mistake.”

For the second time in months, Donghyuck shuts the door in Jaemin’s face.

Something aches in his chest, and Jaemin tells himself that it didn’t hurt when Donghyuck said loving him was a mistake. That Donghyuck was sorry to love Jaemin.

Okay, so maybe Donghyuck did love Jaemin. He could admit that it was wrong for him to accuse Donghyuck—one of the most self-aware and intelligent members—of not knowing his own feelings. It was easier to pretend that he was confused than to acknowledge that Jaemin had inadvertently hurt Donghyuck for half his life.

Woodenly, Jaemin returns to the kitchen, searching for a distraction from the swirling mess of guilt and pain and confusion. A glimpse into the refrigerators and rubbish tells him that Donghyuck hasn’t cooked or ordered takeaway, and Jaemin decides to cook.

He tells himself that it’s not deliberate he makes Donghyuck’s favourite—kimchi jjigae is just easy to make.

After Jaemin plates up and sets the table, he knocks on the door. “Um… I made dinner.”

No response.

Jaemin presses his ear closer to the wood, wondering if Donghyuck is sleeping.

He tries again. “I made your favourite kimchi jjigae. I even made pork belly.”

After a while, he hears a hoarse, “Not hungry.”

That’s bullshit. Donghyuck would rather starve to avoid Jaemin, and then come sneaking out when he thinks Jaemin is asleep. _Petty_.

Jaemin is about to demand Donghyuck come out to eat right now because he spent half an hour cooking when it occurs to him that Donghyuck never asked Jaemin to cook. He never asked Jaemin to come see him at the dorm, he never asked Jaemin of _anything_.

But Jaemin had given it to Donghyuck, regardless.

Jaemin is the reason why Donghyuck has to go hungry. Jaemin is the reason why Donghyuck has hurt for fourteen years. Jaemin is the reason why Donghyuck can no longer be in Dream.

“Okay.” Jaemin says quietly, his fingers grazing against the door handle, and then he lets go and walks away.

He sits at the table, but his perfectly made kimchi jjigae seems much less appetising now than it did five minutes ago. He mulishly spoons some of the stew over his rice, poking at the lumps of rice, and then looks up.

Just past the dining room wall is Jeno’s room, where Donghyuck has locked himself in right now, and Jeno’s bed is set right against the wall.

Jaemin stands up and walks over. He places his hand on the drywall, tapping his fingertips against it. A mere wall separates the two of them now, but he can feel the distance growing.

Sooner or later, Donghyuck will leave and Jaemin will not see him again. Donghyuck will succeed in his mission; he will get over Jaemin, and Jaemin will be replaced. Someone more worthy and valid will take Jaemin’s place in Donghyuck’s heart, and it would be as if Jaemin was never there.

Jaemin should be happy. Jaemin should be pleased for someone to find love. Jaemin should be delighted that his teammate—his _friend_ —has found love.

Jaemin stands up, the legs of the chair screeching against the floor. He wipes his face with his sleeve and then pulls out a tray from the cupboards. He places the bowl of rice and kimchi jjigae along with some banchan on the tray. His eyes fall on the box of Jeju tangerines his mum gave him, and he knows Donghyuck loves them. Jaemin peels several tangerines, carefully getting rid of the white pith, and then sets them on a plate.

He knocks on the door softly. “Donghyuck? I know you don’t want to see me, but I thought you might want to eat something. I left a tray outside the door,” he clears his throat. “I’m going to walk away now.”

Jaemin pokes at his rice, resolutely not sulking. He has the television on to fill the room with white noise to feel less alone, but the soft click of the door opening has him whipping his head over to the side. He hears the clink of utensils, and something settles in him when he sees that the tray is gone.

His spirits more revived, Jaemin goes to eat.

It’s as Jaemin is cleaning the dishes—his dishes plus the tray picked clean of food—that he decides the best thing to do is to give Donghyuck space. Donghyuck wanted to be alone, so no matter what Jaemin might or might not feel, it was better to respect his wishes.

He tidies the house for a bit, ordering a delivery of groceries for tomorrow morning so Donghyuck has something to eat, checking that there’s laundry detergent and fabric conditioner in case Donghyuck wants to wash his clothes, ensuring that everything is nice and clean.

Finally, with no more chores to complete, Jaemin knocks at Donghyuck’s door again.

“Hey, uh, it’s me,” he winces, feeling stupid about his poor phrasing. “Um… I just,” he clears his throat, feeling immensely awkward. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I ever apologised for anything I said. But I am. For everything. I’ll just… leave. Like actually. I’ll go stay at a hotel until you head back. No rush, though.”

The door pulls open and Jaemin nearly falls flat on his face from the abrupt opening.

“You’re just leaving like that?” Donghyuck sounds extremely unimpressed.

Jaemin blinks, taking in Donghyuck’s red eyes and defensive posture.

“What? I thought you didn’t want to see me! That’s what you said!”

Donghyuck stares at him for a long moment and then squeezes his eyes shut like he can’t bear to see him. “You _always_ do that,” he whispers, almost to himself. “You’re mean to me, so I resolve to get over you, but then you do something sweet and I let you in, and then you’re mean again. You always do that, and I always fall for it.”

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me,” his voice increases in volume until he’s practically shouting. “You want to leave? Fine, go! Leave! Get out of my sight!”

Donghyuck physically shoves him outside the threshold of Jeno’s room and slams the door shut in his face.

Jaemin stands in the darkened hallway, listening to the muffled sound of Donghyuck crying.

 _It’s not the first time and probably won’t be the last time you made me cry_ , Donghyuck’s watery thin laugh had belied his eyes full of anguish. _You don’t know how much you hurt me, do you?_

I’m sorry, Jaemin thinks, putting his shoes on. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that’s all I seem capable of doing. I’m sorry I can’t speak to you without starting a fight. I’m sorry for so many things that I can’t begin to apologise for them all. But most of all, I’m sorry that I’m the one you love.

I hope you will find peace without me, Donghyuck-ah.

Jaemin stands up, pulling the door open and looking behind him, and sees the mantelpiece he had decorated. The pictures of him, Jeno, Jisung, Renjun, Chenle and Mark he had personally taken and edited, and then it strikes him—where’s Donghyuck?

He knows he has pictures of Donghyuck, he’s seen so many of them in his hard drive, but has he really not displayed any in the living room? Not where anyone can see?

 _You’ll care for the rest of Dream but me_ , Donghyuck had whispered resignedly.

That’s not true, Jaemin thinks, it’s not. I care for you, I do. I’ve known you for half my life. I don’t remember a life before you. I’ve been through my highest and lowest moments with you. For better or for worse, you left your mark on me.

If Jeno was in Donghyuck’s shoes, would you leave? The thought comes out of nowhere and knocks him sideways. But this isn’t Jeno, he argues back, this is Donghyuck, and he wants me to leave. That’s what he said.

That’s what you said, his subconscious whispers back to him. Then, Jaemin remembers all the times he’s rejected company when he feels bad, curled up in bed, telling people to leave him alone, but feeling lonelier than ever when he heard their footsteps walking away, biting down on his own fists to stop the sound of his sobbing even though it couldn’t be overheard from the sound of laughter and video games in the living room.

Try as he might, Jaemin can’t forget the image of the boy crying in bed, and then pasting a beaming smile when he was in public. And then, Jaemin can’t distinguish whether he’s thinking of himself or Donghyuck.

 _Your smile is your weapon_.

It’s a weapon that they both wielded, though Jaemin has never been able to master it to Donghyuck’s level. Jaemin’s might have been more dazzling in intensity, but he couldn’t sustain it for long periods of time. Donghyuck, though, always had a smile on his face, no matter the occasion or his personal circumstance.

Are you as lonely as I am, Donghyuck-ah?

Jaemin slips off his shoes and tests the handle to Jeno’s room. He breathes a shaky exhale when he finds the door unlocked.

Donghyuck wanted him to come back.

In the darkness, Jaemin slips into bed, laying down next to Donghyuck who is curled up facing the wall, clutching what seems to be Jeno’s polar bear stuffed toy.

Donghyuck scoots closer to the side, trying to leave a gap between their bodies, but Jaemin follows him, and eventually Donghyuck can’t move any more since he’s trapped against the wall.

After a moment’s hesitation, Jaemin throws his arm over Donghyuck’s waist, spooning him from behind. He feels Donghyuck stiffen, his muscles tensing all over. Despite Donghyuck’s reticence, he doesn’t elbow Jaemin in the crotch and kick him out of bed, so Jaemin takes it as a win.

Something settles inside of Jaemin when he has the solid warmth of Donghyuck inside his arms, and he sighs quietly, his heartrate evening out.

“Why didn’t you go?” Donghyuck asks, his voice rough.

“Why did you come to Seoul instead of Jeju?” Jaemin asks in return.

Jaemin burrows his nose into the crook of Donghyuck’s neck, inhaling the scent of his skin. He had forgotten how good Donghyuck always smelt, though this time… even though he’s wrapped in Jeno’s sheets, he smells like Jaemin’s shampoo and body wash.

When Donghyuck doesn’t respond, Jaemin sighs, answering first, “I didn’t want to go, I just thought you wanted me to.”

Donghyuck’s body loses a bit of the tension, and he murmurs, “I didn’t want to pretend to be happy.”

 _I know the feeling_ , Jaemin thinks, reaching across the soft plush toy to squeeze Donghyuck’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” he says instead. “For not believing your feelings. For trying to discredit them.”

“I just don’t get it,” Donghyuck replies, sagging into Jaemin’s touch. “Why would you think I’m lying?”

Jaemin inhales, “I suppose… I just don’t understand why.”

“Why I love you?” Donghyuck says incredulously. “Na Jaemin, don’t tell me you’ve developed humility, or God forbid, insecurity these past years. You know lots of people _love_ you.” He makes a retching noise.

Jaemin whacks him lightly on the hand. “Don’t be cheeky,” he huffs. “I’m not insecure. I know what it is and why people love me—they love my face, my body, aegyo, my boyfriend appeal. They love Nana, they love Han Daegang, they love whoever I’m playing. I spend so much time cultivating those roles which are intended to appeal to people’s hearts, so I understand why they love me. But you’re not _people_.”

“Trust me,” Donghyuck mutters under his breath. “You would not be my bias if I was a muggle. Your onscreen persona is way too greasy and one-dimensional for my liking.”

Jaemin whacks him again. “I’m serious! Okay… maybe you have a point that I do play favourites,” he admits. “It’s just… knowing this, knowing that I don’t cook for you at 3 a.m. or cycle to a designer shop half an hour before closing to get you a gift or I don’t bike with you at 4 a.m. because you can’t sleep and want air. It’s just that—you’ve said it yourself—I’m not very nice to you, but you still _love_ me… I just don’t understand.”

“It’s because you feel you haven’t earnt my love. You expect love to be a transaction,” Donghyuck says, matter of fact. “You give the fans the perfect boyfriend experience, so of course they love you. You take care of the Dreamies’ needs and wants, so of course they love you. But because you haven’t given me anything, how could I love you?”

Once, when he had freshly debuted, Jaemin had a nightmare where someone had run onstage while he was performing and forcibly removed his makeup and stripped him of his clothes, and the audience laughed at a bare-faced, scrawny Jaemin. Donghyuck’s words feel like that—all his protective coverings taken away from him unexpectedly.

“I don’t love you because you’ve given me x, y or z. I don’t love you because you’re the perfect maid, though I’m sure you would look hot as hell in the uniform.” Donghyuck avoids the jab of Jaemin’s fingers, continuing to speak passionately, like he’s ruminated on this for a very long time—like these are the words he saved for the grand romantic confession.

“I love you because of who you are in your entirety, because you’re sweet and hardworking and selfless and you want to help people. I’ve liked you ever since I heard how you got scouted while volunteering, but I really started loving you when I knew you kept in contact with the Indonesian boys from The Best Day. You don’t need to give me anything, you exist as you are, and that’s enough. You’re just yourself, and I love you.”

Jaemin has watched a lot of romantic dramas and he’s starred in a fair few, he’s worked with some of the leading scriptwriters in the country, but none have ever stirred his heart quite like Donghyuck’s evocative confession. He feels like his body has been set on fire, his insides a blushing mess. He buries his face into the pillow even though Donghyuck can’t even see him, and Donghyuck turns around, laughing.

“For someone with a praise kink, you’re certainly shy when you hear it.”

Jaemin grumbles indistinctly, hating that Donghyuck remembers that titbit. “Pot calling the kettle black.”

Donghyuck pats his head, and Jaemin reaches for his hand so it’s less of a patronising pat and more gentle petting, and Donghyuck huffs in amusement but relents. “God, you’re unbelievable. Why do I love you again?”

All the pleasure and flushed happiness evaporates from him in a second, doused out like he’s been splashed by the icy waters of reality.

Donghyuck might love Jaemin, but he doesn’t really want to.

“I’m sorry that you love me,” Jaemin whispers, the words more painful than he could imagine. “I’m sorry that you couldn’t choose someone who…” he swallows, feeling like his gums are bleeding, “who loves you.”

Donghyuck turns to lay on his back, crossing his arms over his chest, and Jaemin feels abruptly cold even though the duvet covers them from the neck down.

“Do you know which part hurt the most loving you?” Donghyuck asks conversationally.

“What?”

“It’s that I couldn’t quite understand why you treated me differently from the rest of Dream,” he says. “In the rookie years, I understood we were just closer to people we were more familiar with. But later, like in 2020, I just couldn’t understand why you were closer to Chenle—someone you’d met for half a year in 2016 before you took a break and came back—than you were to me.” He takes a deep breath, “It would be fine if you didn’t love me back. I just didn’t know why you couldn’t treat me the same way as you treated the rest of Dream.”

Jaemin closes his eyes, wishing that he hadn’t let Donghyuck ask. He swishes his legs against the duvet, fidgeting as he tries to come up with an answer that would appease Donghyuck, but he knows Donghyuck can spot a lie like a shark can smell blood a mile away.

The longer the silence stretches, the more Jaemin can sense Donghyuck’s disappointment growing, and finally, Jaemin throws out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Do you know what it means to be replaceable?”

“Yeah?” Donghyuck replies, bemused. “I am—or was—an idol. Practically taped with an expiry date.”

“No, Haechan-ah, you really don’t,” Jaemin says mirthlessly. “Haechan, full-sun, the centre of the solar system. Named by the founder of SM Entertainment himself, handpicked by him at the infamous Saturday auditions. No one else got a stage name but you. From the start, you were marked out to be special. You have a husky, buttery and high voice that differentiates you from SM’s arsenal of tenors. As if that wasn’t enough, your variety skills and humour carried you to the forefront. You carved your name into NCT and made yourself irreplaceable.”

“What does that have to do with us?” Donghyuck asks sceptically.

“I’ve never told anyone this—not even Jeno—but I almost didn’t make it back to Dream after my injury. The company said I had a year to get better, or else I would _decide to focus on my studies_ ,” Jaemin smiles grimly. “And while I was trying to stay positive, focus on my physio, you know what happened? The boy I liked started dating my best friend.”

“What?” Donghyuck inhales sharply, “You _liked_ me? But you ignored me from when you went on hiatus, you blanked me, you rejected all my calls, you told me not to visit you!”

“I couldn’t!” Jaemin shouts, the frustration welling back up. “How could I talk to you when the jealousy was eating me up that you had comebacks with _two units_ while I might never get one? How could I pretend to be happy when I was burning up with envy that you got your first win _without me_? How could I be this sweet boy that you liked when all I had were the ugliest emotions? I didn’t talk to you because I knew I’d say nothing nice and I’d ruin everything between us!” Then, he laughs bitterly, “Except you did it first. Three months after I went on hiatus, my future uncertain, you replaced with someone else. No, not someone, my _best friend_.”

Jaemin can’t even fault Jeno because he didn’t even know that Jaemin liked—let alone _kissed_ —Donghyuck. When Jeno rang to tell him the news, Jaemin forced a smile, congratulated him, and then sobbed into his pillow. It _hurt_ like when SM told him he would be forced to leave if he didn’t get better in a year. No, this hurt more because it was personal. SM was doing what money-hungry corporations did but Donghyuck was a boy who was supposed to _wait_ for Jaemin to come back.

“I thought you didn’t like me! I thought…” Jaemin hears how Donghyuck’s breathing has gone erratic. “Oh my God, you _liked_ me? You never showed it during Chewing Gum promotions.”

“I was seventeen, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing, and all the dramas said do push-pull to _keep your man interested_ ,” Jaemin snorts, blowing a piece of his hair out of his face. “Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.”

Donghyuck sounds like he’s trying to process everything. “Is that why you didn’t like me ever since?”

“Well…”

When Donghyuck waits for Jaemin to continue, he groans. It’s mortifying to admit, but he literally can’t get any worse in Donghyuck’s eyes, so he might as well just say it.

“When I came back, everything was different. I felt unnecessary; I wasn’t as good a rapper as Mark hyung, not as good a dancer as Jisung, not as handsome as Jeno, not as good a singer as Renjun and Chenle, and not as funny as you. I didn’t know my position in the group. I was just another body in NCT 2018, serving no purpose. The comebacks I weren’t in got wins, but Go and We Go Up didn’t get any. I realised that I didn’t contribute anything, and I was infinitely replaceable. So I tried to make myself special, to make myself _needed._ ”

“By being Czennie’s boyfriend?”

Jaemin snorts, “By being what people wanted, and being the _best_ so they wouldn’t look elsewhere, and they would _love me_. If I dedicated myself to being essential in their eyes, I would never be replaced.”

“You’re not just talking about the fans, are you?” Donghyuck points out, as annoyingly perceptive as ever.

“No,” Jaemin admits quietly, half ashamed. “If I gave them everything, if I bent over backwards to please their every request, if I worked myself to the bone to care for them, they weren’t supposed to look somewhere else.”

 _They weren’t supposed to look at you_.

“But Jeno and Jisung did, and you felt betrayed.”

Donghyuck says it so directly, it feels like he ripped open Jaemin’s ribcage to reveal his heart.

“I know they’re not my possessions…” How does Jaemin begin to express all the tireless work that he’s dedicated, how much emotional and physical energy he spends on them, which he’s happy to do and he would do it all again in a heartbeat, but— “I gave them everything I have, why is it not enough?”

_Why am I not enough?_

“Why did they go to you—you who has everything and everyone?” Jaemin asks plaintively, all the words spilling out. “The treasured maknae of 127, the star of Dream, even WayV were so taken that they couldn’t stop talking about you in NCT 2020. It’s so easy for you! You just smile and do a bit of chitchat, and that’s all it takes to be swept away by you.”

Donghyuck argues, “That’s not true—”

“Have you ever known what’s it like to give everything you have?” Jaemin demands, all his bitterness pouring out. “To give until you don’t know who or what you are? To give until you have nothing of yourself left? To sit in the corner, utterly sapped of strength? You have _everyone_ , and I just wanted a little.”

“Not everyone.”

Donghyuck’s quiet admittance breaks through the sound of Jaemin panting for breath, and then it strikes him what Donghyuck means.

“Not where it means most,” Donghyuck says wryly, and Jaemin closes his eyes, feeling doubly awful and guilty because he only ever seemed to be a selfish prick who hurt him.

“Donghyuck—”

“I’m sorry you felt that way,” Donghyuck sighs, and then he wraps an arm around Jaemin’s shoulders, stroking his back. “I didn’t mean to steal them, you know that. Love isn’t finite. Friendship isn’t finite. Just because they went to me sometimes didn’t mean they didn’t adore you. It’s not a competition.”

“Says you, the most competitive of us all,” Jaemin says wetly, burying his head into Donghyuck’s chest. “Everything in this fucking industry is a competition.”

“Well, I’m not competing anymore, so you win.”

“You’re an idiot if you think like that,” Jaemin blubbers, smacking his chest, feeling stupidly emotional, like all his walls are knocked over. “They treated you like shit and you were right to leave.”

“Stupid, you mean,” Donghyuck snorts, self-depreciating. “They made me a star, and I left.”

“No, don’t you see? You can leave them, you’re capable of leaving them and standing on your own two feet.” Jaemin wants to shake Donghyuck because he can be so infuriatingly obtuse sometimes. “You can be independent or find another entertainment company. It’s possible for you.”

“It’s possible for you too,” Donghyuck responds, patting Jaemin’s hand.

Jaemin rolls his eyes because Donghyuck can be so oblivious. “SM didn’t make you. They improved upon your pre-existing talent and made it shine. Your skill is independent of them. Even if you’re not in SM, even if they strip away Haechan, Lee Donghyuck is still there. A different company could still give you comebacks, put you on shows, and you have enough of yourself that you’d be okay.”

He cuts off Donghyuck before he can ask stupid questions, continuing, “Whereas… I need SM, I’ll never be able to leave them,” he states plainly. “I don’t have the talent on my own to leave them. I can’t risk their ire or their blacklist, there are too many pretty idol actors on the market. SM made me Jaemin, the Nation’s Boyfriend. They taught me everything—how to walk, stand, smile, talk… they didn’t throw me away during my hiatus even though they could. I can’t leave.”

There's a long silence after that, the both of them mulling over Jaemin's words.

Donghyuck exhales, sounding choked up, “Well, I suppose that’s it then. You and me, on diverging paths, until we become strangers who, for a time, occupied the same space at the same time. And our memories will gather dust, and it’ll seem like a lifetime ago that we held hands and watched a sea of green dance to our youth.”

Jaemin closes his eyes, listening to the sound of Donghyuck breathing next to him—the fourteen-year-old boy that Jaemin had traded stories of their dreams from their bunk beds, the twenty-year-old half boy and half man that Jaemin had slept with fuelled by the ecstasy of their concert and the uncertainty of the future, and now the twenty-eight-year-old man who lays next to him for one more night before he disappears forever.

“Why do you think we don’t get along?” Jaemin whispers, his lips barely parting.

“I have a theory,” Donghyuck replies, his hand brushing against Jaemin’s.

“I’m sure it’s very well thought-out.”

Donghyuck takes a moment, and then says, “We’re both looking for external cues to shape our interactions with people. You provide a commodity, and I mould myself to fit their personality. We’re subconsciously shifting, altering ourselves for the other person. When two chameleons meet, what colour do they take? That’s why we clash, because we don’t know how to really be ourselves.”

Jaemin thinks about it, and then he reaches for Donghyuck’s hand, interlacing their fingers together. “Have you met a pair more ill-suited than us?”

“Well, I’ve never liked anything easy, and you might not say it, but you’ve always wanted someone to care for you in the intensity that you give.”

Jaemin smiles, “Presumptuous, aren’t you?”

“I don’t presume anything,” Donghyuck replies, not with cocksure arrogance of youth, but a quiet confidence. “I say this with the knowledge of looking and loving you for fourteen years.”

Jaemin inhales, his heart skipping a beat, because even though he does believe in him, it’s still an impossible shock to hear Donghyuck refer to it so casually.

The feeling that swirls inside of him is something Jaemin only remembered feeling once, that night in Bangkok. Everything has changed since then, but what remains is the fact that time is running out for them.

It’s the night that makes his lips loose, his walls low, it all emboldens him to speak without thinking.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” Jaemin murmurs. “But I wasn’t supposed to return so quickly. My parents have been pressing me if I’m dating, but I couldn’t tell them that I’ve never really been in a relationship. And then I thought of you in my home, and I wanted to see you, to speak to you.”

Donghyuck swallows audibly, and his grip on Jaemin’s becomes tight. “You’ve never dated?”

“Have you seen me date?”

“No, but… you’re lovely and beautiful and caring so I wouldn’t be surprised if you had someone.”

Jaemin bites down on his lip, fighting the pleasure from the compliment. “I didn’t.”

“Oh.”

“It’s only you.”

“Wait, do you mean like kissing, or like, sex?” Donghyuck stumbles over his words clumsily.

“You’re the only one,” Jaemin says, face aflame. “It’s only been you.”

“Oh. _Oh_.”

Jaemin chuckles quietly when Donghyuck sounds dazed.

“Um, can I ask why?” Donghyuck squeaks.

“There was no one who caught my eye.”

“Why did you let me, then?” Donghyuck asks in an even higher pitched voice.

“You caught my eye.”

“What does this mean?” Donghyuck asks, sitting up, the duvet falling to his lap, but he never once lets go of Jaemin’s hand. “What are you trying to say?”

Jaemin sits up too and closes his eyes as Donghyuck cups his cheek. He leans into it, almost nuzzling Donghyuck's palm. “I don’t want us to be strangers, not when you mean so much more to me.”

“Look at me?” Donghyuck asks, his voice pleading. “Please?”

Despite the darkness, at this distance, Jaemin can pick up Donghyuck’s individual features, can see the way he's worrying his mouth.

“Is this a dream?” Donghyuck asks, his voice nearly breaking. “Jaemin, please, I can’t handle another push-pull. I can’t take another heartbreak.”

Jaemin holds Donghyuck’s trembling hands in his, and then says, “You’re right. We’re too old to be playing games. Fourteen years is long enough, isn’t it?”

When two chameleons of different colours meet, they change into a third colour.

Jaemin opens his heart, and he takes a leap of faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100% tinhat and does not reflect the truth.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story. Please leave a kudos and comment if you did, it would really make my day!
> 
> Wishing you all the best x
> 
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/spyblue31)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed it, please leave me a comment and kudos, I would appreciate it a lot!
> 
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/spyblue31)


End file.
